Friday, February 03, 2006
Parents and children not agreeing about religion
I was reading a blog posted by a guy that goes by the name GayRestorationist. He is somewhat estranged from his parents (who are CofC) and has written a letter to his father (but not sent it). In this letter, he writes about how he wished their relationship was and how he deeply wants acceptance from his father. The letter is at:
http://gayrestorationist.blogspot.com/2006/01/letter.html
it was posted on 1/25/06 and the entry is titled "A Letter"
I found somewhat of a parallel in my relationship with my parents. I have certain beliefs that they did not teach me and that they disagree with. I have come to the conclusion that children in this situation (parents not accepting of the child's faith) have 3 alternatives:
1.) Avoid contact with each other. Don't waste any energy on trying to maintain a relationship, you'll only be frustrated. Concentrate your energy on relationships with other people instead.
2.) Have only a superficial relationship. Talk to each other once in a while, but mainly about the weather, sports, etc. Try to pretend that nothing is wrong. Avoid any serious subjects and hide the real issues. Learn to smile and nod a lot.
3.) Try to work it out. This involves both sides getting angry and both people making at least minor concessions/changes. This option is painful and makes things worse before they can get better. There is no guarantee that resolution can be had, only that things will be worse for a while, if not indefinately.
I explained my situation as I see it to a psychologist. After getting more detail, he basically advised me to avoid option 3 altogether. For people of certain mindsets, who mainly see the world in black and white, real change can be nearly impossible. This is especially true with older people who have held certain beliefs for many decades. Option 3 is what I want to do, but I've refrained and went with Option 1 for a while, and am now trying out option 2. Option 2 makes me feel real shallow, almost hypocritical sometimes. What I would like is to be open and share my real hopes, dreams, beliefs, feelings, etc. without being condemned, but I don't think that is possible.
http://gayrestorationist.blogspot.com/2006/01/letter.html
it was posted on 1/25/06 and the entry is titled "A Letter"
I found somewhat of a parallel in my relationship with my parents. I have certain beliefs that they did not teach me and that they disagree with. I have come to the conclusion that children in this situation (parents not accepting of the child's faith) have 3 alternatives:
1.) Avoid contact with each other. Don't waste any energy on trying to maintain a relationship, you'll only be frustrated. Concentrate your energy on relationships with other people instead.
2.) Have only a superficial relationship. Talk to each other once in a while, but mainly about the weather, sports, etc. Try to pretend that nothing is wrong. Avoid any serious subjects and hide the real issues. Learn to smile and nod a lot.
3.) Try to work it out. This involves both sides getting angry and both people making at least minor concessions/changes. This option is painful and makes things worse before they can get better. There is no guarantee that resolution can be had, only that things will be worse for a while, if not indefinately.
I explained my situation as I see it to a psychologist. After getting more detail, he basically advised me to avoid option 3 altogether. For people of certain mindsets, who mainly see the world in black and white, real change can be nearly impossible. This is especially true with older people who have held certain beliefs for many decades. Option 3 is what I want to do, but I've refrained and went with Option 1 for a while, and am now trying out option 2. Option 2 makes me feel real shallow, almost hypocritical sometimes. What I would like is to be open and share my real hopes, dreams, beliefs, feelings, etc. without being condemned, but I don't think that is possible.
# posted by Ray @ 1:25 PM 
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Ray, your words are dripping with cynicism. It oozes between the lines of what you've written, and I think it's sad. I agree that option 3 is a bad idea at this point with your parents. And knowing the situation, I think option 1 wouldn't solve anything either. But I don't think option 2 has to be as bad as you make it sound. Sure, it can be like that if that's what you want, but I think it can be much better. The key is acknowledging that you love them, and they love you, and coming to terms with the things you disagree on. Coming to terms within yourself, that is. You can choose to interact with them, to enjoy their company, and to share most of your life with them. They'll just be suprised to see you in Heaven someday!
Religiously speaking, you and your parents have 95% of your beliefs in common. That last 5% matters to them, and people who disagree with their views are judged harshly. That same 5% doesn't matter to you if others disagree with you, it only hurts because it does matter to them. You used to believe the same things. You understand their mindset, and are thankful to have found true freedom in Christ. Instead of bitterness, can you not forgive them? Can you not pray for them to find the same freedom? Stranger things have happened.
Over the years, as you moved from legalism to freedom, you've stopped judging those who are more "progressive" than you are. First you accepted other CofC members who believed a little differently. Then you realized that you shouldn't be judging Baptists, and now you realize a Christian community much, much larger that the little denomination that is your religious heritage. Right? Now you're very hesitant to judge people of any other denomination, but it has become easy to judge those who are on the other side, the legalistic side of the Christian fence.
Legalists are stuck. They're in a little room, dimly lit, locked up tight, scared to death that they won't get every i dotted and t crossed. Are they still Christians? Do they need our love and acceptance, or our judgement? If they judge us, is it OK for us to judge them?
In the same way our acceptance reaches forward to Christians even more free than ourselves, it should also reach backward to those who are still in self-imposed shackles. It's just harder, because we know that spiritually, they do not accept us.
Aside from all that, you're hurt by the things they said. Hurt because they won't accept you as you are, that they will never approve of what you have chosen. They may never change. I doubt if they will ever change. But I know that they love you, and I suspect that they wish they could take back the hurtful things they said. You can absolutely love them back and gain their approval in other ways. Children naturally seek their parents' approval, and it's OK to an extent. You can share many other things with them.
Remember how we had some friends who converted to a religion much different than ours, and how after that we became interested in it? Because our good friends chose it, we developed a deep respect for it. Maybe over the years, your parents will grow to respect your choices. But if they never do, you can still love them.
Most of all, think of this. Think of your own beautiful children, and fast forward twenty years. Is there anything they could do that would make you stop loving them? Would you ever want to cut off your relationship with them? Sure, there are things that could break your heart, and things you could never approve of, but nothing that would sever the affection you feel for them. When I think of your parents, I think of us in the future, and I imagine what it would be like to have made such errors in our relationship with them. I pity your parents. As a parent, I never want to estrange my children, therefore, I don't want to do it to your parents, either. Despite what they said, what we said, how they feel, and despite all of those issues that will never go away and will probably always cause tension between us.
Don't give up. Let yourself love them. Choose option two, and avoid the hot buttons, but don't look at it as a shallow relationship. As time passes, it will be less painful, and although there will always be scars, they will heal over and toughen up.
Religiously speaking, you and your parents have 95% of your beliefs in common. That last 5% matters to them, and people who disagree with their views are judged harshly. That same 5% doesn't matter to you if others disagree with you, it only hurts because it does matter to them. You used to believe the same things. You understand their mindset, and are thankful to have found true freedom in Christ. Instead of bitterness, can you not forgive them? Can you not pray for them to find the same freedom? Stranger things have happened.
Over the years, as you moved from legalism to freedom, you've stopped judging those who are more "progressive" than you are. First you accepted other CofC members who believed a little differently. Then you realized that you shouldn't be judging Baptists, and now you realize a Christian community much, much larger that the little denomination that is your religious heritage. Right? Now you're very hesitant to judge people of any other denomination, but it has become easy to judge those who are on the other side, the legalistic side of the Christian fence.
Legalists are stuck. They're in a little room, dimly lit, locked up tight, scared to death that they won't get every i dotted and t crossed. Are they still Christians? Do they need our love and acceptance, or our judgement? If they judge us, is it OK for us to judge them?
In the same way our acceptance reaches forward to Christians even more free than ourselves, it should also reach backward to those who are still in self-imposed shackles. It's just harder, because we know that spiritually, they do not accept us.
Aside from all that, you're hurt by the things they said. Hurt because they won't accept you as you are, that they will never approve of what you have chosen. They may never change. I doubt if they will ever change. But I know that they love you, and I suspect that they wish they could take back the hurtful things they said. You can absolutely love them back and gain their approval in other ways. Children naturally seek their parents' approval, and it's OK to an extent. You can share many other things with them.
Remember how we had some friends who converted to a religion much different than ours, and how after that we became interested in it? Because our good friends chose it, we developed a deep respect for it. Maybe over the years, your parents will grow to respect your choices. But if they never do, you can still love them.
Most of all, think of this. Think of your own beautiful children, and fast forward twenty years. Is there anything they could do that would make you stop loving them? Would you ever want to cut off your relationship with them? Sure, there are things that could break your heart, and things you could never approve of, but nothing that would sever the affection you feel for them. When I think of your parents, I think of us in the future, and I imagine what it would be like to have made such errors in our relationship with them. I pity your parents. As a parent, I never want to estrange my children, therefore, I don't want to do it to your parents, either. Despite what they said, what we said, how they feel, and despite all of those issues that will never go away and will probably always cause tension between us.
Don't give up. Let yourself love them. Choose option two, and avoid the hot buttons, but don't look at it as a shallow relationship. As time passes, it will be less painful, and although there will always be scars, they will heal over and toughen up.
# posted by 
: 9:01 PM, February 04, 2006
: 9:01 PM, February 04, 2006
Amanda,
Thanks for the comment. At different times I've thought either that it's a no-win situation or that maybe it's not that bad. I appreciate your encouragement. Although remember, that it is probably difficult to understand my feelings not having been in this situation yourself. And it is those annoying feelings that seem to come in to play so much in this situation. What do you do with feelings like this, just try to ignore them, just decide to start feeling different? I guess overtime, changing thinking will trickle down to feelings. It has happened some.
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Thanks for the comment. At different times I've thought either that it's a no-win situation or that maybe it's not that bad. I appreciate your encouragement. Although remember, that it is probably difficult to understand my feelings not having been in this situation yourself. And it is those annoying feelings that seem to come in to play so much in this situation. What do you do with feelings like this, just try to ignore them, just decide to start feeling different? I guess overtime, changing thinking will trickle down to feelings. It has happened some.
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